An Open Letter to Brock Turner's Victim

By Peyton Carper on September 2, 2016

TRIGGER WARNING: Contains mentions and descriptions of sexual assault. Proceed with caution.

To you,

I do not know your name. I will probably never know your name, and that’s good, because I shudder at the thought of what might happen to you if the world knew who you are.

I’ve been following your case for the past 3 months. I have wept for you, I have been disgusted and terrified on your behalf, and I have been furious at the injustice you have been put through. But as a bystander, the emotions I feel about this case cannot possibly compare to how you must be feeling.

I, too, am a survivor of sexual assault. In fact, my assault occurred a year after yours, almost to the day. Mine occurred in my off campus apartment. I went on a wonderful date with a man I was very attracted to, and the next day he requested to see me again. We watched a movie and had too much to drink, and it happened. I remember my face pressing so hard into the arm of the couch I thought my nose would splinter. I woke up the next morning and cleaned my own blood off the cushions. I sat in the shower and cried huge, racking sobs I thought would break my ribs. When I finally got the strength to tell someone, he admonished me for being irresponsible enough to drink. The most sympathy I got that week was a “that sucks, bro.” Many of my friends found that I was too depressing for their taste, and stopped speaking to me altogether.

6 months after my attack, when I read the letter that you wrote, the one that was plastered all over the internet, I was heartbroken for you. For someone to realize, to be told by other people, that they had gone through the same experience that I had, and not even have the faintest memory of it, shook me to my core. To have so much doubt about an entire evening of one’s life is a harrowing thought that I hope never to have to experience.

Your letter was not only incredibly moving, but, at least to me, very empowering. You talked about the fear we all face when having to tell our family about what happened to us, you talked about the unbelievable rage we feel when someone insinuates that we “liked it,” and about the endless questions we get, all implying that it’s our fault. We were drinking, so we must have wanted this to happen, right?

You explain it perfectly in your letter: “Alcohol is not an excuse. Is it a factor? Yes. But alcohol was not the one who stripped me, fingered me, had my head dragging against the ground, with me almost fully naked. Having too much to drink was an amateur mistake that I admit to, but it is not criminal.” This very section is probably where I cried the hardest. I felt for so long that because I drank, what happened to me must have been my fault. But this perfectly worded explanation really hit home for me, really showed me that yes, of course, it is a factor for why this happened to us, but it does NOT place the blame on us.

Today, your rapist was released from jail after serving only half of his 6 month sentence. I am seething. I feel hurt and angry and betrayed by our justice system. But whatever I feel pales in comparison to the war you must be struggling with.

I want you to know tonight when you go to sleep that there are thousands, millions of survivors just like you and I that fume with you. We are furious. We are restless. And that anger has already made changes to the way this world treats cases of sexual assault: California just passed a law that ensures harsher sentencing for rapists of unconscious women, a bill that was inspired by your case.

Image via The Odyssey.

You will probably never get the justice that you deserve, and that sickens me. But the people who this case has touched will not forget the terrible thing that happened to you. People are finally starting to wake up, and that is what we have to remember. Millions of people want justice for you, and their voice will change the future of how we treat sexual assault. We may never get justice, but our children and their children will.

You are unbelievably strong. You are incredible. You are astounding. And though you never meant to be, never wanted to be, you are an inspiration to me, and millions of other survivors and young people across the country. And I know that you will change the way this world sees rapists, survivors, and the punishment of those guilty of sexual assault.

I hope that somehow this reaches you. I hope that you know that if you ever need someone to speak to, someone who can come somewhat close to understanding how this feels, I am here. It would be an honor to know you, to help you, to do whatever I can to bring you what all survivors hope for: peace.

Sincerely yours,

Peyton B Carper

 

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